When I could not get an actual reason why we lost Sweet Pea and Colette, I then went internally and figured it had to be me. I would wake up in the middle of the night after Colette died and run through every single thing of the pregnancy.  Okay, what if I had done x, what if I had insisted on y, and yet I could never find that answer.  It was only until my therapist called me on it during a session and said, okay, let’s say that you did it differently, who is to say that the outcome would not have been the same or even worse.  So, these days, I have to live with the fact that there is no reason for any of it, it is not worth my energy to walk through every step of the journey because I will probably not get an answer in my lifetime.