I did not expect to feel it so early in the process. I felt like a failure, just like I had felt when I miscarried Sweet Pea or when I got hospitalized with preeclampsia with Colette, or when Colette was born so tiny, or when Colette died. My body had failed me before and now my mind, spirit, had failed me by not giving me the strength to go through another pregnancy. I felt like less of a mother, like everyone would judge me not as a mom, but as the woman who was unwilling to go through pregnancy again. All of the feelings were so isolating.