As the pumping sessions went on, I felt like a failure, a fraud. Not only had I not carried this child, but now I could not even provide him my own milk. It harkened back to all the trauma I had with Colette—being hospitalized with severe preeclampsia at 21 weeks pregnant, delivering her at 24 weeks and 5 days, losing her after nine days in the NICU—and how much I felt like a failure, like my body and my status as a mom had not saved her.