Most parents expecting a new baby do not think about what if baby dies, but we did. The panic and terror of every appointment and ultrasound has been omnipresent as we have held hands and our breaths, waiting to see and/or hear that things were continuing to be on track. Then, add to it that I am not feeling the baby inside me or my belly grow (at least not outside of the normal Covid quarantine weight gain), and it feels even more imaginary and not like something that will actually happen or that you can plan for.